LeBron fuckin’ James. You couldn’t escape him in these last few days, even if you wanted to. In turning what could’ve been a simple press conference into the sports media event of July, opinions of James were coming from everywhere. Ranging from “James is a cocksucker,” to “James is an egomaniac,” to “I’m his dad and I want 4 million dollars.” These opinions were overwhelmingly negative (outside of Miami), highlighting LeBron’s unfathomable arrogance and condemning him for, God forbid, leaving Cleveland in hopes of winning an NBA Championship. I’m coming out for Team Bron Bron for the following several reasons.
First, LeBron James is a marketing dream come true. For the last two weeks, Sports Center’s had at least one segment per day on what LeBron will be doing next fall. While they peppered in some highlights from the MLB and talk of a few other NBA free agents (oh and that World Cup thing), all eyes were on LeBron. Is he one of the best players in the NBA, probably of all time? Yes. Did he need an hour-long special on ESPN to announce The Decision? Absolutely not. But that’s the beauty of this whole situation. LeBron changed the way things were done. He could’ve held a press conference from the cave Osama’s hiding in and we all would’ve had the same information. Instead, he created a media frenzy surrounding his decision. He was everywhere over the last two weeks, gobbling up camera time and exposure, only increasing his incredible popularity.
Second, he’ll win a title in Miami. I’m not knowledgeable enough about basketball to come out and make all kinds of grand statements on how much of a powerhouse team the Heat will be in the next several years or why. Luckily, I don’t really give a shit. LeBron’s fucking good at basketball. So is Dwayne Wade. And so is Chris Bosh. Following the example used in Boston, Miami brought in three (well, kept one) superstars and will do extremely well with them unless some catastrophic shit goes down. Everyone’s complaint about LeBron thus far, especially when compared with Kobe, is that he doesn’t have any rings. Problem fucking solved! And it won’t even take Phil Jackson to get him there. Also, Michael Wilbon predicted that the heat would win 3 championships out of 4 during the 2012-2016 seasons, and I always liked him better than Tony Kornheiser.
Third, he’s going to Miami. Think about how sexy that is. Imagine, you are at the top of your field, any field. You are literally among the best to ever do what you do. At age 25 you’ve met with Jay-Z and Warren Buffet several times for advice because, why the hell not? At some swanky party with free caviar and blow, a beautiful woman approaches you. She asks, “So, where do you live?” In a shocking realization, the camera moves back while zooming in on your face and you scream, “CLEEEEVELAAAAAND!” like it’s the Wrath of Khan. Unless LeBron’s and avid Howard the Duck fan, I don’t blame him for getting out of that shit hole (Ed. Note: Cleveland is literally one of the tags under the urban dictionary entry for “shit hole”). And more importantly, while Miami is a big enough city with enough big names and cool shit going on to sustain his superstardom, it’s also not New York or LA, who have been spoiled with cool shit as it is. Yeah, suck it Knicks fans.
Fourth, he’s not like the superstars of the past. This has been a common complaint among the talking heads. Fuck them. No LeBron isn’t like the superstars of the past, he’s a lot younger. While Wilt Chamberlain was busy fucking everything that moved, Magic Johnson was getting AIDS, and Michael Jordan was gambling away all his fortune, LeBron was, well, either not born or really young. Let’s not forget that superstars of the past have all had their faults, and the worst thing we can pin on LeBron thus far is his ego? He’s been called ‘The Chosen One” since before he graduated from high school! With that much outside pressure feeding his narcissism, we’re lucky he hasn’t gone Patrick Bateman on anyone yet (although, who among us wouldn’t want to see him chop up Jared Leto? That’s just me? Forget it). But back to the issue at hand, no LeBron doesn’t devote every waking moment of his off season to basketball, that’s because he’s busy doing cool shit! He’s in entertainment, why not do a little entertaining over the summer?
Finally, he’s all about the money. The number one complaint I’ve heard about LeBron this week is that he cares more about his brand than he does about basketball. GREAT! Many people in sports media have been shitting on LeBron for being a shrewd businessman because, they argue, he should be focusing all of his time on basketball. Consider that for a moment. We’re not choosing the next pope here. This is a grown-ass man who plays a GAME for a living. LeBron was savvy enough to realize that he is in the entertainment business at an early age. Rather than devote his life to the inherent glory of putting a fucking ball through a fucking hoop, LeBron is capitalizing on the entertainment he provides and is trying to make himself into a global icon. Capitalism is what the country is built on, and if you don’t like it, you can move to France, pussy!
So, there you have it. Yes, I will be a bandwagon Heat fan if they make it to the finals. No, it doesn’t really matter. But one thing’s for sure. We can all look forward to the Jay-Z track about LeBron whenever that shit drops.