And no, I’m not talking about James Cameron. I’m talking about this beast:
You know what, I’m not gonna post a picture. Just listen, okay? It’s a filthy concoction of vodka, gin, rum, tequila, blue shit, and regret. It’s also the newest reason why I hate the motherfucking French.
It’s Saturday night, and all this work has got me stressed the fuck out, so I walk into New York’s Lincoln Park Bar & Grill with the same mission as every week: get shitty, find some DTF broad, and release the Kraken. Problem is, I’m short on cash, and with a tolerance that normally comes with an AA sponsor and cirrhosis, the “get shitty” part of the night is looking unlikely. I’ve been trying out new things to try to get around my obscenely high tolerance: straight whiskey, flasks, and skipping individual beers entirely, opting for entire pitchers at a time. None of them have really worked, and the straight pitcher thing looks kinda trashy (even by my standards). That’s when a friend of mine introduced me to the Blue Motherfucker. I chugged that bad boy, and after recovering from the inevitable diabetic seizure, I realized I was drunk off my ass. Mission Accomplished. I officially found a new weapon in the war against sobriety and good life decisions.
But on this particular Saturday night, me and my blue companion became victims of some hate speech. Apparently, some of my friends thought my drink was “gay” because of it’s blue hue. To think, I thought we lived in a nation where our alcoholic beverages were not judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I shrugged off these audacious accusations–haters gonna hate and all dat shit. Plus, those who are lucky enough to know me know that males don’t come as alpha as me anymore. I sweat Y chromosomes and drink the tears of the weak, and I eat bacon the right way: straight off the pig with a gun on the table. Liam Neeson even cited me as his inspiration for his role in “Taken” (that’s a true motherfucking story right there). But what really struck a chord with me was this French cunt sitting at our table, agreeing with these homophobic slurs.
Few problems with this. Number one, who let a French guy sit at my table? My rule of thumb is that any time a French person enters the same room as me, they must find me and offer their sincerest gratitude for America’s role in WWII. I’m still waiting for my “thank you,” and don’t you dare mention the American Revolution because as far as I’m concerned, the French were only there to make sure the surrender flags were pearly white. Number two, what does a French “man” know about masculinity? I was already peeved that one of my lady friends was falling for his McCroissant accent, but now you’re gonna call me gay because my drink is blue? How bout you win a war, motherfucker? Or at the very least, shave your pussy before you wear Eurotrash jeans tight enough to show everyone your bushy camel toe.
Things at the table got a little tense when that hypocrite asked to try my drink and I replied with a blunt, “No. I don’t share with French assholes.” After that, details became sketchy, but I’d like to think I punched him in the face. If you were hoping for a point to this story, there isn’t one. But there is a moral: Don’t fuck with the U.S.A., or 4 different types of liquor in one bi-curious drink for that matter.