February is Racist

4 Feb

Lately, this blog has been a bit too 80s-Eurotrash-Dance-Pop-Shit-Whatever for my taste.  Last I checked, it’s still fucking freezing outside, so all of these light-hearted dance mixes that are reminiscent of beers and blunts in the summer just make me more likely to lash out against an innocent bystander.  But I’m no Debbie Downer.  I enjoy breaking out the yellow spandex and sweatbands (that’s what hipsters wear, right?) and rocking out to 80s beats that didn’t have the decency to stay dead.  But there are more pressing matters at hand right now.

Is no one else offended by the fact that Black History Month is the shortest month of the year?  If you are, chances are that you’ll hate this asshole too:

I spotted this prick (and the subsequent article) on the New York Times website a month ago, and I’m still chafing with chagrin.  But I’ll get to him in a minute.  The big news is that The New York Times reported last month that for the first time in about a billion years, blacks are no longer the majority in Harlem.

I’ll repeat that: Black people are no longer the majority in Harlem.

Now I know there’s a bunch of hipster d-bags sitting in some comfy apartment in Harlem, spilling PBR on their plaid shirts because they can’t see the can through their ridiculous thick-rimmed glasses (and if that stereotype applies to you, thanks for reading!), thinking, “Yeah man whatever it’s like Harlem is like totally hipster.”  Fuck you.

I swear, I don’t have any hate in my heart.  Well, at least I don’t have a lot.  The fact is, as a native New Yorker, Harlem is in danger of losing its unique mystique by losing the black majority.  The mystique goes beyond the obvious landmarks in African-American culture—places like The Apollo, The Cotton Club, Dr. Jay’s, Kennedy Fried Chicken, etc.  It’s about the fact that Harlem used to have an aura to it that was the very essence of pre-9/11 New York.  Harlem was the place tourists stayed away from.  Cab drivers would refuse to drive up there at night, and outsiders clutched their wallets while walking at a brisk pace down the mean streets (if they had to be there at all).  Harlem was the last stronghold of classic New York City toughness left in Manhattan, but now pussy Stay-At-Home-Dads, backed by the almighty power of eminent domain, are quickly driving the heart out of Harlem with their Amazon Kindles and child psychologists.

Which reminds me, the only reason why I’m so worked up about this whole thing is because of that loser in the picture and his stupid daughter (who is shockingly NOT named “Brooklyn” or something equally lame).  I get it, it’s 2010…white people can be broke and need to move to the hood at their own risk.  But what really bothers me is a relatively benign statement he made for the article: “In Manhattan, there are only so many directions you can go.”  It’s these types of passive statements that were made right before the white man “gentrified” the fuck out of the Native Americans.  And sure enough, it’s happening again with the minorities in Harlem.  Come on, Harlem…haven’t you learned anything from Avatar?  This is your land.  You already gave them the Lower East Side…just because our President is black doesn’t mean we need to start giving the white man reparations.

Can’t we all just live in harmony?  Probably not.  Not if I have anything to do with it.  I’m not suggesting random acts of violence against white, hipster college kids (aka our target demographic).  But you know the saying…every time a gringo’s jumped, a gangsta gets his gat.  Or something like that.  I’m not familiar with ghetto magic.

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