The Lighthart Identity

22 Aug


Ed Lighthart prefers not be called Ed Lighthart. That’s because he has no idea who the hell Ed Lighthart is.

Three weeks ago, Ed stumbled out of a Seattle park in soiled khakis with $600 in his sock, no wallet or ID, and absolutely no idea what his name was or what he was doing there. Suffering from a rare case of total dissociative amnesia, he could recall almost nothing about his past. He couldn’t even remember a single ‘moustache ride’ joke. He was checked into a Seattle medical center while police published photos to see if anyone would recognize him.

And they did. It turns out that Lighthart is a real international mystery man with a story straight out of The Bourne Identity. Fluent in French, Spanish, German, and English, Lighthart has apparently travelled and lived all over the world, in cities like Paris, Vienna, Sydney, Bratislava, and most recently Shanghai. Along the way, he worked as a teacher, translator, and even as a chef, developing a reputation as a loquacious yet reclusive expert on European culture. Estranged from his family and without any close acquaintances, how or why Ed found himself stranded in Seattle with no ID and a sock full of cash is completely inexplicable…

That is, unless he really is Jason Bourne incarnate. Afterall, he does recall some sort of incident involving an assault in New York City. And with his language skills, shady work-history, and a moustache that out of hand, would you really be surprised? The only other explanation is that he’s just some asshole coming off a ketamine bender in the classiest way imaginable. While Lighthart (who prefers to be called Jon for the time being) struggles to piece together his story, take a look at this press conference from the other day:

(Special thanks to Fox News for this clip. With everyone else blowing this healthcare crisis out of proportion, thank god someone is paying attention to real issues)


2 Responses to “The Lighthart Identity”

  1. WIAS 08/26/2009 at 6:20 pm #

    My uncle. He went over a lobster boat, seal in his jaws.

  2. bmoney 09/10/2009 at 7:59 pm #

    just another one of them pot smokin’ hippies, got catatonic, woke up pants backwards with no idea which way is up

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